National Collegiate Dodgeball Association

Ask any college player, and they’ll tell you that the great game of dodgeball can really take a physical toll on its participants over the course of a season.

Busted lips, twisted ankles, shoulder tendonitis — almost everyone can attest to the aches and pains this game can dish out from time to time.

In my personal opinion, one of the more underappreciated side effects of our favorite game is the damage done to the poor fingers on your throwing hand.

Thank God we only play this game while we’re in college or our hands would wind up looking like those of an offensive lineman in the NFL.

But as much as we moan and complain about finger pain brought on by the grippy, we’re perfectly happy to burn our fingers out enjoying another favorite pastime of college students: video games.

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve probably blown off a test or paper to save the world on Halo 3 or duke it out with your buddies on the latest version of Madden.

Speaking of Madden, it’s still amazing to me that the NFL’s marquee simulation is popular enough not only to have its own TV show (Madden Nation), but also its own holiday (albeit one created by advertisers).

I’m convinced that Madden and the NFL have gone hand-in-hand in helping push one another to the top of their respective entertainment heaps.

Which brings me to the topic of this What If installment.

I know it’s the summer, but if you could all please flip your imagination from “Off” to “On,” I want to take you into a world where college dodgeball has finally hit the big-time.

A world where college dodgeball finally has its own video game.

If the above line would be the realization of a longtime dream that you’ve had, you’re not alone.

When I’m not considering the chilling ramifications of a world without the grippy throw, I’ve often devoted hours thinking about the possibility of a college dodgeball video game.

While I’ll spare you the full details, I want to draw your attention to some of the highlights of this exciting alternate reality.

First off, just imagine the impact of a full-fledged video game would have on our up and coming league.

I’m not talking about some kid in his basement putting together a Flash game with stick figures for him and his buddies to enjoy on the Internet.

I’m talking about the royal treatment from a premier video game company like EA Sports, complete with the same fanfare and promotion a new Madden release would see.

Consider for a minute how many millions of people have either seen, heard of or played Madden at some point during their life.

Let’s just say for argument’s sake that half of all Americans meet one of the criteria from the above sentence, meaning close to 150 million people would not look dumbfounded if you brought up Madden in a conversation.

Think about that. 150 million people. That’s mind-boggling. I’d be shocked if 150 people at our university knew that the dodgeball team existed.

Now picture those millions of people coming home from the store and popping NCDA Dodgeball 2010 into their videogame console, eager to see if Grand Valley is still the highest rated team in all the land.

We’d be bona fide celebrities.

Furthermore, the league’s revenue would be off the charts and the media coverage we received would be insane.

Any player besides me fancy tuning in to SportsCenter every morning to check up on their competition and watch a Top 10 that included a sick collection of headshots?

I think every college player across the nation just muttered, “Yes, please” in unison.

As for the game itself, my inner geek has definitely had fun imagining exactly how a college dodgeball simulation would work.

It would truly be a game different from anything we’ve ever played before.

Like I said, I could spend the next 1,000 words laying out the specifics of how I think the game should work, but I think a basic rundown will suffice.

Sticking with the golden standard for sports videogames, I could see controlling a college dodgeball player being very similar to controlling the quarterback on Madden.

Want to make a throw? Picture a pitching meter similar to those found on baseball video games — fill up a quarter of the bar to throw a lollipop or fill it all the way up to unleash a hellacious fastball.

Switching between your blockers, catchers and throwers would be a simple as switching between players on an NBA videogame.

Want to beat the other team to half court on the opening rush? Better tap the turbo button before the ref yells “Go” to get that extra burst of speed.

Use a simple flick of the controller stick to bring the ball up and block when you’re being targeted by the other team, just like how you’d raise your gloves to your face during a boxing match on Fight Night Round 4.

Switch over to the captain of your squad and pull up the in-game menu to call out plays for either offense or defense.

And if you time it up perfectly, hold down the trigger to enter slow motion and annihilate a competitor’s face with a devastating headshot, complete with the knockout physics seen in the aforementioned boxing game.

Are you drooling yet?

Seriously, tell me one other game that could seamlessly combine familiar elements from other sports games like NCDA Dodgeball 2010 would?

It wouldn’t just be the best of both worlds. It would be the best of several worlds.

We all cherish the chaotic and frantic atmosphere of a college dodgeball game.

Anyone who’s played the game knows there’s no other sport that requires you to simultaneously play offense and defense, watching for your headshot opportunities while trying your best to avoid ending up on someone’s highlight reel.

Find a company that can successfully translate that manic energy into the virtual world and you’ve got the single coolest video game of all time.

Before we leave, I want you to spare one final thought for a world in which you could come home after a tough loss to your rival school, turn on your console, and pummel that team unmercifully in virtual reality for their success in the real world.

When I was in middle school, there was a poster that hung in my homeroom class that read, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

Corny, no doubt, but the message was clear:

Aim as high as you can when making your goals. That way, even if you come up a little bit short, you’ve still accomplished something noteworthy.

A couple months ago, I made a moon shot in one of my columns.

I titled it “Virtual Reality as an Actuality” and spent the next 1,100 words talking about the possibility of a college dodgeball video game.

I talked about everything, including the implications of such a game on our sport and how such a game might play on today’s consoles.

It was a total fantasy, but like the poster in that classroom, my message was clear:

I want a college dodgeball video game.

Well, we haven’t made it to the moon (yet), but I’m thrilled to announce that it appears the league has landed among the stars.

Back on Sept. 1, I received an email from Morgan Haro, a marketing associate from Hudson Entertainment.

I hadn’t heard of Hudson before, but upon further reading, I found out they’re a video game publisher whose latest release, Deca Sports 2, will be released for Nintendo Wii on Sept. 29.

What does Deca Sports 2 have to do with the NCDA?

Well, for the first time on a modern console, dodgeball will be featured on a video game.

No, you didn’t misread that last line.

Dodgeballers can finally shelve their copy of Super Dodge Ball on the NES because there’s a new virtual counterpart in town.

Deca Sports 2, a Wii Sports-esque compilation game, won’t feature the incarnation of dodgeball we’re using to playing in the NCDA, but that’s not the point.

Morgan wasn’t emailing us to sell his company’s new game.

And instead of telling you what he did say, I’ll just let Morgan speak by sharing the last two paragraphs of his email:

“The reason for my email is to spark discussion on a potential partnership between Hudson and NCDA. The Deca Sports series is known for bringing sports that may not have a strong awareness in North America. Last year, we partnered with the United States Curling Association, the Canadian Curling Association and the Association of Volleyball Professionals, and were able to provide Wiis and copies of the game to all of their events to provide a new form of entertainment at the respective events and at the same time, raise the interest level of the sport at hand with an audience that may not have been interested. Needless to say, everyone came away with a big smile on their face!

I’d like to discuss how cross-promoting and integrating our product can attract more attention and add more well-rounded entertainment at your events and raise the awareness of the NCDA. The idea is to have zero financial transactions here so don’t worry, I’m not after your pocketbooks to have some sort of sponsorship. Just a strong cross-promotion with the foundation being the sport at hand and how it’s featured in the game and in real life. I’m open to discussing ideas, but would welcome the opportunity to introduce DECA SPORTS 2 further.”

Did your jaw just hit the floor? I know mine did the first time I read this.

I talked to Morgan about a week later, and just in case you’re confused, here’s the basic game plan we’re looking at with this potential partnership:

1. Morgan and his guys want to come to our big events throughout the season with big screen TVs, Nintendo Wiis and copies of Deca Sports 2.

2. Once they arrive, they’ll get everything set up and have the game playable for anyone who want to come check it out during the event.

3. For this season, I suggested three events they should attend: the GVSU-SVSU game, the Battle of the Bluegrass between WKU and UK, and Nationals.

4. Here’s the best part: in exchange for allowing something that will likely increase the attendance and entertainment value of our events, the NCDA gets a link on Hudson’s website and a mention in their newsletter.

If everything goes according to plan, it’s my hope that we’ll notice an immediate increase in both visibility and credibility for college dodgeball.

But what about a long-term benefit for both parties?

In a perfect world, Hudson would want to make an exclusive dodgeball game after the rave reviews the dodgeball segment of Deca Sports 2 received.

However, instead of simply stretching their version of dodgeball into its own game, they’d want to create something substantial and unique.

Who better to help them the NCDA, the premiere dodgeball association on the planet?

A little collaboration, some motion capture sessions and voila: Hudson Entertainment presents College Dodgeball makes my dream a reality.

I think it’s safe to say we’ve landed on the moon.

Are you the captain of a young team and you want to make an impact during your inaugural year in the NCDA? Or maybe you’re just a new player who’s still trying to figure this whole college dodgeball thing out. Either way, Jazzy has you covered with “The College Dodgeballer’s Manifesto” — 16 things to know if you want to excel in college dodgeball. Have your own suggestions for the manifesto? Send them to ncdadodgeball@gmail.com. So, what are you waiting for? Your dodgeball training starts right here!

1. Be aggressive! This is probably the costliest mistake a young squad can make. Your team must not become too passive or cease to attack. Remember, if you get down, the clock is against you, so you need to attack!

2. No long throws. No player needs to make throws longer than 10-12 ft. Throws longer than that are just an easy catch for the other team.

3. Do not attack alone. If you’re alone, you leave yourself wide open after you throw. So make sure to attack in groups of 2-3. It’s also a smart idea to pair up your best arms with a blocker who can protect them full-time.

4. Aim low. High throws are easy catches. If you don’t use the “grippy” throw, aim between the ankles and the knees, especially when your opponent is backpedaling. If you do use the grippy, try to aim low, even though this can be difficult.

5. Catching is the best way to help the team. Good hands are more valuable than strong arms in this game. Pick out opponents during warm-ups and during the first point that have weak arms. When they throw, try to make a catch.

6. Don’t be afraid to jump. A lot of players try to dodge low throws by lifting one leg or side-stepping them, myself included. If a throw is made at your feet, there is a 100% chance you will avoid it if you jump over it!

7. Stay spread out. Instead of having everyone charge to throw and then retreat to the baseline, you need to spread the floor, attack and then be ready to strike after the counterattack. Teams like GVSU do this very well and that’s one of the reasons they win. Having everyone at the baseline is like lining up for a firing squad- someone is sure to get hit.

8. Know where you are on the floor. No stepping out of bounds or over the neutral zone line, period. Remember: as long as you have one foot in on the sidelines and baseline, you’re fine. But you can’t step over the neutral zone line, so keep your distance. Also, catches must be made with one foot inside the line.

9. Protect your teammates. If you see a teammate that has thrown and is about to be thrown at, move forward and use your ball to block the throw. If you don’t participate in an attack, rush forward to cover your throwers as they retreat back to the baseline.

10. Look for your cross–court opportunities. This is the bread and butter of any good team and where your sneaky players will make their living. If you have a ball, hang back, lay low and wait for your chance. When you see an opponent charge and make a throw from across the court, don’t hesitate! Attack!

11. Stay moving. A moving target is much harder to hit.

12. Throw at the same time at the same person. If you attack in a group, target the same player. One ball is easy to avoid. Several balls are not.

13. Do not throw at opponents holding balls. This one is just common sense. If you are going to make a throw, it had better be at a defenseless opponent. Conserve your arm strength by picking your spots and not making foolish throws that have no chance of getting someone out.

14. Communicate with your teammates. Yell out things you see to alert your teammates. “Guy moving up,” “Gotta ball here,” “Everyone throw at this guy.” More communication will invariably lead to more success as a team.

15. Everyone needs to play their position. Whatever your designation, the best way to help the team is by playing your role. Even though some positions aren’t as glamorous as others, your team will need all positions working together if they’re going to win. To illustrate: a thrower gets 5 opponents out during a game but a blocker keeps 10 of his players from getting out. Which is more valuable?

16. Everyone rush. Unless you’re designated to hang behind, you need to participate in the opening rush. The team that has the balls controls the game. Therefore, your team needs to get as many of the balls as they can.

Unless you’ve been in a cave with your fingers in your ears for the past week, you might’ve heard there’s a little college basketball tournament going on nationwide.But just in case you missed it, turn on your TV and flip through the channels until you find the following:

Dream games that place school pride on the line and feature nail-biting finishes sure to leave you with no hair or serious chest pains!

In my dream future, that sentence wouldn’t just apply to college basketball. As I’ve sat and watched the rabid fervor (I refuse to call it madness) that surrounds this tournament, I’ve wondered on several occasions if this could ever happen for college dodgeball.

The optimist in me substitutes the five basketballers on the court with three times as many dodgeballers and 10 times as many balls. The hypothetical announcer (always Al Michaels in my head) can barely contain his excitement as he tries to narrate the explosive action unfolding before him:

“Raymer streaks up the right side of the court… he’s got Parsons and Byrne crosscourt… it’s a three-on-one with four seconds left in the national championship… Raymer leaps and throws… it’s over! It’s over! He’s done it! Western has won the title!”

The scene dissolves as the confetti rains down and I’m swarmed by adoring fans who all want a piece of their dodgeball hero. Yes, I can see how most people would just dismiss this as the delusional fantasy of someone who’s taken one too many shots to the head. But play along with me for just a moment. Insert yourself into my dream scenario. Bathe in the awesomeness of possibility.

Because at this point, I know it’s going to take a huge effort to turn this dream into a reality.

Don’t misunderstand me – the league has A LOT going for it right now. New teams, new rivalries, and a greater national presence have all helped to buoy the NCDA to new heights this season. But like any good high school coach at the dawn of a new season, I say to my dodgeball brethren that we still have much work ahead of us.

I agree with Mr. Bomis that dodgeball will be harder to engrain into the social fabric due to the number of balls flying around at one time and the difficulty that poses for fans trying to follow the action. Then again, I bet a lot of people thought Naismith was pretty stupid for tossing a ball through a peach basket way back when. 118 years later, look at us now – America is totally engulfed in hoops hysteria.

It’s going to seem hard to justify right now, but I say to you with confidence that buying into this league and doing everything possible to help it grow has been one of the best investments I’ve ever made. I know I’ll never see the type of success college basketball enjoys while I’m in school (maybe even while I’m alive), but all great things were built on the shoulders of men who didn’t have to see the end result to be content with their effort.

Don’t believe me? Just try to imagine life without America, sports, moon landings, and beautiful women. God bless the selfless souls who came before us. To use a sports cliché, I truly believe dodgeball can be “the next big thing.” Moreover, I believe that the incredible leadership displayed throughout this league has the ability necessary to help us reach our true potential. It’s not going to be easy. In fact, most of the time, it will probably suck as much as simultaneous shots to the head and nuts.

But I want you to stop for just a second and listen real close.

You hear that?

It’s the sound of destiny and the roar of the adoring fans we have yet to reach. They’re hungry for a sport that encourages facial rearrangement and catches so sick they make a Sportscenter Top 10 look like amateur hour. It looks like it’s almost time to get your brackets ready off in imaginary land.

April Annihilation is coming!

Fire. The wheel. Modern language. The automobile. TiVo.

History is marked by the advancements that have propelled society forward and pushed the edges of technology into areas once thought of only in science fiction.

In our daily lives, we utilize technology so often we can’t imagine an existence without cell phones, laptops and satellite television.

As college dodgeball players, we’re often guilty of forgetting the unique advancements that make our game the highest level of competitive dodgeball in the country.

The rules, structure and traditions of this great game create a flavor of dodgeball that can only be found at the college level.

Arguably one of the biggest differences (the biggest in this writer’s opinion) between NCDA play and every other variety is the prevalence of the famous “Gorilla Grip” in our games.

Also known as “the Grippy,” “the grip” or “pinching,” the Gorilla Grip is the technique of squeezing the ball that results in faster throws and reduced accuracy (at least in the beginning).

Created by Ohio State legend Greg Funk three years ago, the grip allowed OSU to decimate the competition at Nationals and capture the championship that year.

Since then, it has been adopted by every team and is taught as a fundamental skill in dodgeball, much like proper tackling in football or hitting techniques in baseball.

During games, the biggest indicator of new players is those who throw without the grip.

Good pitchers can throw curveballs. Seasoned quarterbacks can throw spirals. Experienced dodgeballers can throw with the grip.

So, what would the league be like today if the gorilla grip had never been invented?

This little trip down hypothetical lane provides a chilling depiction of an alternate NCDA universe.

Just imagine a game where the hardest throw zooms at you with the same velocity as a football thrown on its side.

Catches would increase dramatically and headshots would lose all significance.

Every throw that couldn’t be caught would be blocked and players could take a quick nap before having to dodge an incoming throw.

There would be no learning curve for people making the jump from PE dodgeball to the college game.

While this may seem good for acclimating new players, the most competitive souls love the challenge of mastering a sport they’re not good at right away.

A world without the gorilla grip would make it even harder to keep players from losing interest once they realized college dodgeball was essentially the same game they’d played their entire lives.

Fan interest would also decrease because, honestly, everyone just wants to see a player get drilled below the belt or above the shoulders.

A game played without the grip would be like watching professional bowling with the gutters blocked off or a NBA game on a six-foot goal.

Worst of all, the WASA dodgeballers from Wreckreation Nation would probably give us a run for our money!

That alone is enough to ensure that Greg Funk will be one of the first dodgeballers enshrined in the NCDA Hall of Fame.

For now, college dodgeball players should be thankful their game has developed its one distinct advantage over other cheap imitations.

Without it, those fogies out in Colorado really would be the cream of the dodgeball crop.

Scary, isn’t it?

**These goals are endorsed by WKU Captain Josh Raymer and Alternate Captain Felix Perrone and do not represent the goals of other team captains or the NCDA as an organization.**

THE GOALS

GOAL ONE: Double the number of teams in the league and maintain the teams currently in existence.

GOAL TWO: Create an executive board comprised of representatives from each team who can elect a President, Vice President, Secretary, and other pertinent positions.

GOAL THREE: Have a complete website with Flash elements that is updated daily by representatives from each school.

GOAL FOUR: Assuming Goal One is met: separate league teams into Northeast, Northwest, Southeast and Southwest Divisions.

GOAL FIVE: Assuming Goal Four is met: develop set schedules for each team in the league.

GOAL SIX: Develop a recruitment package for potential teams that includes a video explaining league rules, a DVD with game footage, a contact sheet for the league and a guide with tips and instructions for starting a team.

GOAL SEVEN: Assuming Goals One and Four are met: change the format of Nationals to include only the top two teams from each division.

GOAL EIGHT: Assuming Goals One, Two and Four are met: have members of the executive board decide on a rotational schedule for Nationals among schools from each division.

THE PLAN

GOAL ONE: League representative Mike Zimmer will conduct research to find universities where dodgeball events are taking place. He will make contact to request approval for shipment of the promotional package. After that, he will contact the captain of the university nearest the prospect to suggest attending that event. It will be the responsibility of that captain to help establish a program at that school.

GOAL TWO: Establish the positions and their responsibilities at the 2009 National tournament. We should look to elect people to these positions before the end of the current school year.

GOAL THREE: Set aside future sponsorship money to put toward a fully developed Flash website. This will probably cost between $2,000-4,000. Raymer has a potential contact for this project, but funds would be needed.

GOAL FOUR: See chart below.

GOAL FIVE: Teams within each division would decide on a set schedule by July 31st every year. That schedule would include at least one game against every divisional opponent and at least two games against non-divisional opponents.

GOAL SIX: Members of the executive board would help assemble the necessary components of the promotional package. Different team leaders could be responsible for creating a guide, a rules video and assembling game footage.

GOAL SEVEN: See pictures below.

GOAL EIGHT: Move the national tournament from one division to another. For instance, have a SW team host in 2010, a NE team host in 2011, a CENTRAL team host in 2012 and a NW team host in 2013. Then repeat the process starting in 2014 with new teams from each divisions.

GOAL NINE: League representative Mike Zimmer would contact various media outlets and promote upcoming NCDA events. Should those outlets be interested, Zimmer would put that outlet in contact with those responsible for planning the event.

POTENTIAL DIVISIONS

Northwest: UWP, DePaul, GVSU, Marquette*, Bradley*
Northeast: CMU, SVSU, MSU, HFCC, W Michigan*
Southwest: UofL, WKU, UK, EKU*, GA Tech*
Central: OSU, Kent, BGSU, Miami, Penn State*

CHAMPION BRACKET* Teams that are expected to join the NCDA next season.

ELIMINATED BRACKET

If you were to sit it out in public, it would attract plenty of confused stares. People would whisper to their neighbor in the hope of determining what exactly they were looking at.

“Is it some kind of funky armchair?” they would say. “Some piece of obscure construction equipment? A new aged torture device?!”

No, no, and definitely not.

To put it as simply as possible, it’s a pitching machine. But not in the way that you’re thinking.

It was an idea that came to me after the conclusion of last season. Our team had just completed a winless season in our inaugural year, finishing up with a thorough thrashing at the hands of Ohio State.

Despite the fact that our inexperience had factored heavily into each of our losses, our team clearly needed to improve in several areas of the game. We were getting blown off the court by teams that made better throws, dodged more effectively, and caught every ball that came their way.

This last issue struck me as the most important area of improvement for our team. We needed to become better catchers if we had any chance of finding success next season. But upgrading our skills in this department had posed several challenges to us during our previous practice sessions.

For starters, we couldn’t practice catching off a live arm for more than a couple throws before that player’s arm was completely dead. We often found ourselves skipping out on catching practice for the sake of having a decent scrimmage at the end of each session.

Replicating the speed and the unique spin of a grippy throw also proved to be rather difficult. The handful of players on our team who could actually make that kind of throw consistently were never keen about burning out their arms for someone else’s sake.

So it became imperative for me to come up with a different solution to our problem.

I got the idea for a pitching machine after returning to what had inspired to start a dodgeball team in the first place: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.

The training sequence in that movie featured a dual wheeled contraption that Patches O’Houlihan used to launch balls at the various members of Average Joe’s gym and torture Justin Long’s character by pummeling him unmercifully. This seemed like the perfect answer for our catching woes. Having an automated delivery system to practice with would save our arms and expose us to some serious fastballs.

So I turned to eBay to explore the price range for this particular style pitching machine. The results, to put it mildly, were jaw-dropping. Prices in the upper hundreds and lower thousands jumped out at me. Short of taking out a bank loan, our chances of getting a Dodgeball-esque pitching machine had all but disappeared.

But the dodgeball gods smiled upon our team that day. A closer examination of the variety of pitching machines on eBay revealed a style that I had never seen before. For lack of a more a precise definition, it was basically a weight bench with a large slingshot attached to the vertical poles that hold the bench press bar.

The machine’s specs said it could throw up to 70 mph and the price tag of about $80 provided a huge sigh of relief. But its simplistic design had me thinking that it might be possible to build our own and help preserve our already meager budget. An early sweep of local consignment stores made it obvious that finding an affordable weight bench was not going to be as easy as I had planned.

Despite that, my main concern was soon taken care of when I found a couple rubber exercise bands that I could use to make the slingshot. They were the quality I needed at a price that made my wallet very happy. Further digging into the wide world of weight benches led me to determine that a different support system for the bands would be necessary if I wanted to transfer my creation from my imagination to the dodgeball court.

After a trial run with the rubber bands, a sign post and a weight tree proved my idea could actually work, I quickly planned out a new contraption that I thought had an outside chance of working. I called up my buddy Robert to ask if he would help me construct my masterpiece, since my only experience with construction was the few times I watched Bob the Builder with my younger cousins. (OK, it was just me.)

He agreed to help and gave me a list of supplies that I would need to acquire. I hurriedly rounded up those necessary items and he arrived a few days later. Using a couple 4X4s, some 2X4s, a box of nails and a saw, we spent the next two hours assembling the creation in the shadow of my family’s carport. My original design, which I had anticipated would not work, did not fail to disappoint. Instead, Robert used his expert design skills to tweak and improve upon what I had initially envisioned.

After a hard day’s work, we both stared in awe at the masterpiece that stood before us. I was slightly scared because I knew something had to go wrong. I decided to test it out to see if I was just being paranoid. I excitedly jumped out in front of the machine, which I dubbed the “ROB 9000” in honor of Robert’s help, and awaited its maiden ball launch. There were butterflies in my stomach and I couldn’t keep my heart from pounding inside my chest.

Robert placed a dodgeball inside the pouch between the bands, pulled back and let it fly. Before I could even react, the ball had shot out like a rocket and planted itself firmly in my gut. I was ecstatic. Having the air driven from my lungs by the ROB 9000’s first launch sent tears of joy down my face. It had worked better than I ever could have imagined, and as I stood there gasping for breath, only one thought kept going through my mind:

“Wait until the guys get a load of this…”